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So, we took the trip and there are even photos! A glorious smudge on the family history. Meanwhile it has taken me only one week to formulate a list of don’ts for our next foray into international travel, based on the official Fiji Case History 2010.

1. Don’t take a teething toddler into a humid and unforgiving climate without your ear plugs.

2. Don’t feed that teething toddler dry Nutri Grain when your baby food supply runs out, unless you take pleasure in the painful nappy grimace that is created. Be assured third world country resorts don’t stock prune juice.

3.Don’t think you are clever to have purchased the cheapest 60 litre bottle of sunscreen on the shelf. You may as well grease yourself with butter.

4.Don’t introduce your partner to the local Karva drink if you require any lucid assistance for the next week.

5. Don’t assume your bags won’t end up on the wrong island in transit.

6. In response, don’t think that a Fijian can follow the trail of crumbs and find it for you, without YOU spelling out the obvious.

7. Don’t assume either, that a Fijian can toss a bag to a boat without said luggage taking a swim.

8. Don’t walk too comfortably under a coconut palm unless you wish to re-arrange your brain with a falling nut.

9. Don’t expect much excitement other than high-energy crab racing.

10. Don’t imagine your kids will behave in anything other than an overtired and feral manner induced by the unknown.

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